The truest form of love is not a feeling, though a feeling almost certainly accompanies it.  The truest form of love is a gift of yourself -- a promise -- from one person to another, and the lifestyle by which that promise is honored... the lifestyle by which that promise is lived out.
Jay Baldwin

When I was little, I wanted desperately to be good at loving.  I mean, I HAD to be.  Not had to as in "I had to see that movie."  But as in "my very life depends on it" -- sort of like the feeling you get when you're swimming deep in a pool, and you have held yourself under water too longer and you HAVE to have that next breath, so with all your might you swim for it.  That's kinda what I'm talking about.  So how to you become good at something?  Usually you figure out how to do it or you find someone that is already good at it, and imitate them.  In the case of love, the only (correct) instruction manual is God's word, and the best example of it was Jesus.  God also gave me a great built-in example -- my mom. 

I asked my mother one time what she considered to be the greatest form of love a husband can provide for his wife.  "Serve her."  Her answer was very strange, and I didn't at the time understand it.  I'm glad I listened though, because it's one of the greatest pieces of advice a husband can practice for the good of his wife, and the good of himself. 

[Yes, that's right, I said good of himself.  Why?  You might ask.  I'll tell you -- because it's easy to hate or get mad, angry, upset, and selfish.  Those are all natural things our human nature does on its own anyway -- so giving in to those feelings doesn't make you better than anyone else -- it just makes you normal.  But its HARD to love.... to truly love.  It makes me laugh when people are all up in arms and wanting to beat someone down when they get angry.  Why would you want to do that?  I mean, I've been in situations myself where I've wanted to hit someone over something... but seriously.  What would the reason be?  I'd hurt afterwards, they'd hurt.  They'd get what they deserved in my opinion, but I'm sure there've been times that I deserved worse and God gave me mercy.  But more than that.  What am I trying to prove?  Am I trying to prove that I'm bigger or better than you?  That I can beat you down.  That you better not do that or I'll get to hitting you?  What purpose does that solve?  It's EASY to overreact and to get angry -- to lose control of yourself and your emotions.  I think it's a whole lot more impressive when you can keep your emotions (and your temper) in check and under control.]

My mother's answer was... "Serve her."  I thought of Jesus.  How even when we DIDN'T deserve it, the Holy knee of the only begotten Son of God bowed at the foot of an unworthy man to wash his feet.  I thought of Jesus.  How on the cross... those that were murdering Him, without a reason, spat in His face and called Him all kinds of names... slewing at Him all sorts of vulgarities.  And I thought about how His only reaction was "Father, Forgive them."

That's what I mean by my quote.  Love -- giving someone the power to destroy you, trusting them not to, but letting them if that's what they choose.  Maybe not even going through the motions, but just the idea that you make yourself WILLING.  When you don't mind dying for someone, it makes the idea of living for them very easy.  :)  And of course, you lose yourself in it.  There's a part of you that may die the day you REALLY decide to love.  But the part of the other person that you get back, if they choose to also love you, is so much more than worth it...  Soo much more than wonderful.  :)

And you know what?  I hear a lot of people talking about "well that person doesn't deserve me to treat them in a loving and kind manner."  Well you know... if we all got what we deserved, none of us would ever get anything good -- yourself included.  So sit down, and for heaven's sakes, quit whining!  Love is displayed in this: "that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."  That's when it really matters.  When they don't deserve it... but you love them anyway.  Loving someone only when they love you is EASY.  The devil can probably do that if he tried!  Loving someone that hates you -- that's hard....  loving someone that desires to kill you.... that's hard.  There are days I know I don't deserve the love of the Father.  I mean, I know none of us do... but some days you're closer to Him than others, you know... and there are times you feel His love is so distant.  But that's what I love about God... is that even if it FEELS like that.... that doesn't much matter.... because love isn't a feeling.  It's a promise... a commitment, and the way by which that commitment and promise is lived out.  That means that even if He doesn't WANT to do it, He will... because it's more about His promise than what I'm doing or if I deserve it anyway.  And for husbands and wives, shouldn't that be their attitude torwards each other?  Maybe I don't deserve love today, but you'll love me anyway.  Why?  Because you said you would... and maybe the reason I'm being a jerk today is because I'm feeling really hurt and lonely or isolated, and I might just be COUNTING on your love to pull me through this and set me free. 

So let me ask you this question:  When is the last time YOUR love set someone free?  Let me ask you another question.... When is the next day you PLAN on letting your love set someone free?  One more question:  Isn't that up to you anyways?  Why can't that day be today?

Disclaimer: Me and Christine's relationship is *wonderful*.  I by no means meant any of this post to indicate my own thoughts about feeling lonely or any of that as an insight into our relationship.  The truth is I wake up daily thankful for how greatly God has blessed me, and I live a happy life being a loving man to a loving woman that I adore -- and I just can't get enough of that -- it doesn't ever get old to me.  :)  This is all just something I've been thinking about recently, and I thought I'd share it for anyone that might need it.  :)

Mood: thoughtful

Song: Rhanna - Disturbia

The other day (Monday), I went into work and was very surprised at this wonderful gift sitting on my desk:

Mike Conner (family website) had gotten my logo off this site and carved it into this BEAUTIFUL pumpkin!  :)

Thanks, Mike!

Mood: impressed

Song:

For the past two weeks, I've been really excited about seeing Quarantine (IMDB link here).  I didn't know much about it when I decided I wanted to see it.  Actually, from the very first trailer I saw, I knew I had to watch it.  From the second trailer I saw, I knew I had to watch it opening day.

My girlfriend and I have a very agreeable taste in movies.  Horror is one of our favorite genre's.  Quarantine's opening day, Friday, was to be a date night for us, but we actually didn't end up getting to see it.  We're also (unfortunately) into this Mobsters game for MySpace and I was doing something on there when she ended up falling asleep.  Not to worry though!  We woke up bright and early Saturday morning, went to breakfast at Bob Evan's Country Restaurant, and did not miss the 10:35 AM matinee of Quarantine at AMC Theater's 30 at Easton Town Center.  :)  There were two Steelers fans working there, who commented on our matching Steelers attire, and we were pointed towards auditorium 17, where our movie-going horror began.  After our concession purchase, we sat in the front of the auditorium seating (so we could put our feet on the rails in front of those seats).  Only about 7 people were in the whole theater, other than us.  Who is up at the movies at 10:35 on a Saturday morning?  (Just a personal note -- I think I will be.  The matinee's, even at easton, are $5.00 a person.)

At first, we didn't know what to expect.  From the previews I remembered home-camera style filmography, but I didn't know if the entire movie was to be in that format or not.  After a minute or two into the movie, I realized, much to Christine's first horror, that it was.  We hated Cloverfield, so the expectation of the movie was not at all promising.

As the plot opened up, we found ourselves surprised.  The story was not hard to follow in this format.  The gaps in filming that normally cause us to become critical of the directing (distracting us from the movie, much like this parenthetical insertion is distracting you from the review) actually added to the suspense.  When a scene cut happened, you didn't know who died... what just happened... where the infected were lurking.  Everything changed.  And the unknown made us terrified.

We started the movie holding hands as a couple does...  45 minutes into the movie we were doing it just to reassure ourselves that the other was there (something that still would only be done by me with her -- I wouldn't be holding hands with a dude friend, or another girl for that matter, to make sure they were there... haha).  When a jump scene happened, the squeeze was intense... and the adrenaline was unreal. 

We walked out of the theater and Christine told me that this movie, in her opinion, is the new Dawn of the Dead.  Dawn of the Dead is a movie she hold in high esteem as scary.  "Back in the day," she told me, "Dawn of the Dead was THE movie.  It scared the **** out of me." 

I agreed with her point (though I disagreed about Dawn of the Dead -- but only because I hadn't seen it until this year).  All I could do was send this text message to my friends as I allowed my own adrenaline rush to subside:  "Quarantine is a great movie... for those interested in experiencing unreasonable and unending fear." 

I say to you today... as far as I know of a movie.... no movie, the first time you watch it, gives you more reason to jump or be frightened.  For me, the first showing of this movie, in a theater, defines terror.  And for that, I applaud the director and all involved in making the movie.  I'm going to buy it, not because I want to watch it again, but because I appreciate a movie, even if it is Blaire Witch meets Resident Evil, that can achieve something very few can do -- make me afraid when I set out to find fear (in a film).

Movie Rating: 3.5 / 5 Stars

Only for fans of Horror

Mood: accomplished

Song:

That's right, ladies and gents.  I am declaring an all out d-day for the iPhone: January 12, 2010.  Why that day, specifically?  Well... MY reason is simple.  That's the day my contract with Verizon Wireless expires.  I plan to switch to AT&T to get iPhones for me and my girlfriend.

Or Do I?

Long Term Evolution (shorthanded LTE) is the new 4G network technology for seemingly all wireless carriers.  I might not have to switch, and praise be to God for it, but if I do, I do plan to go with the official Apple fan boy card - the iPhone.

That will put a dent in my minutes for those of you that I talk to out there in Verizon land... and it will put a dent in your minutes too if we talk often during non-peak hours.  Any takers in switching?  Didn't think so.

Go drool then, and see the light.

Mood: worried

Song: Chris Tomlin - Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone)

Years ago, I had a dream.  Not the sort of fairy-tale experience your brain comes up with when you are asleep, but a type of dream that seems much more far-fetched – that seems much less possible.  This dream was born in my heart.

Like many people, my dreams and desires had the tendency to show up for a few months, weeks, days – even moments – and then be whisked away just as quickly as they had come.  I was in high school, for crying out loud!

. . . And I did.  And often.  Hardly a day went by for weeks that I didn’t find myself literally weeping in the presence of God over these, the most dearest desires of my heart.  Eventually, God gave me what I had sought Him for – a word concerning me.  There was just one problem with that.  It required a ton of patience – more than I had ever seen for sure, and nearly as much as the most I’d ever heard of in my life.  And I will admit; there were moments of great doubt in my heart.  (But there was never a lack of hope.  And hope gives birth to faith.  And faith annihilates doubt.  However, that’s still a process.)

God’s word to me was basically, “It shall be as you hope” (in a nutshell).  So . . . I would hope like a pro (and believe as much as I could)!  God would reiterate to me His promise.  He said once that I’d stand in victory and not even know it.  I didn’t really understand what He meant until recently.

I asked once how He knew the future.  His answer amazes me even now.  He said, “I know because I saw you standing there.”  “What?” I thought.  He revealed to me that He is timeless as the Creator of all things (time being a thing), that He created time.

Whoa!

This morning I was in the shower.  Err . . . this evening rather.  I stood there in appreciation for all God’s done for me.  All the outpouring I’ve been given recently (though I deserved none).  I thought of those times of promise, and compared them to the blessing I was standing in now.  I wondered if it would always be like this, and in my heart I knew the roller-coasters in life would be inevitable, and even – to me – kind of welcome.  Then God, sweetly and friendly – as a loving father says to his favorite son – as if to say “I told you so” in a manner full of love and joy, said “I saw you standing here.”  Then I remembered all that God promised; how much of it had already come to pass, and how much I had to look forward to.

I thought of Job.  Even at his worst, God believed in him and trusted him.  Even after Job lost everything – his riches, his friends, his family, even his health – God knew he’d pull through.  How?  Because God saw him standing in victory – even though Job didn’t know it.  And that’s my story.

When life throws you a curve ball, and you feel lost and alone, remember that God is God after all, trust Him, and never give up.  While this storm might toss and turn you a bit, or even teach you the depths of ebb and floe, it won’t destroy you.  Because God has more confidence in you to overcome than you’ve got in yourself.  He’s always had a plan to pull you through.  He’s never been surprised or worried about your future.  How could He be?  After all the devil could do . . . God saw you standing there.  And just because you were standing on Him when He saw you, He says you won.  (And His words mean business too, buddy.  Look at what that “Let there be light” stuff started!)

So when you're standing in the valley and all kinds of evil surrounds – remember Him . . . and think of the mountain you'll be on tomorrow.  Remember that even though you don't realize it, God sees you standing there – on the mountain of your victory – even now.  :)

Trust Him.  He’s worth it!  :)  *wink*

Mood: grateful

Song: MercyMe - Bring the Rain